Part 4, Assignment 4 – Tutor feedback

Herewith the link to my tutor’s feedback on my forth assignment:

Amy Balcomb (510035) Writing for Children Assignment 4 Tutor feedback

Summary feedback points:
1) The dialogue was unsupported and needed more description and action.
I realise now that I misunderstood the assignment in this respect.  Whilst I understood that there shouldn’t have been any attributions to who was speaking, I should have still painted a clearer, more descriptive picture within the dialogue taking place.  I will address this in my re-write.

2) I need to resolve the middle section which is “saggy”.
I need to tighten the drama up here by completely focusing squarely on what Johnnie gets up to saving Mr Harding’s life.  I need to reduce the CPR action and incorporate an indication that Johnnie gets a result from the first aid; he sees Mr Harding come round, e.g.
Having now re-written this assignment, I have removed Pete’s POV almost completely, focusing in on Johnnie and the ambulance control for the drama.  The CPR action is kept much tighter and the focus is now on witnessing some sort of recovery by Mr Harding.

3) POV
I thought that I actually HAD to change POV from one character to the other half way through and that’s why I did this, switching from Johnnie to Pete.  Having read the story once more I realise that I should have stayed with Johnnie and I will change this in my re-write.  I must, after my first draft decide if I have the best POV in the story.  This is definitely something I need to work on and I need to explore different POV to understand them better.  With two stories to write for Assignment 5 this will give me the right opportunity to do so.